Maurice's take on life at Alert Business Insight

Published 17th of February 2017

You’d think being an office cat would be a doddle. Warm office, cushioned basket, lots of attention from the staff and titbits galore. Wrong! Not if you’re Alert's office cat! There’s always so much going on that I’m overlooked most of the time – so a sharp claw in the boss’s ankle to remind him I’m here is not only fun (for me!) but necessary for my well-being.

Where the sun don’t shine

Take last weekend for instance. Alert staff were working all Sunday night to finish the thing they call the Jobs Barometer. I was a bit worried as it sounded like something that takes your temperature and I’ve been caught out by one of those before! Couldn’t walk for a week and my dignity was ripped to shreds in seconds. But the Jobs Barometer turned out to be a publication which Ray (the boss) was boasting about as he says it’s packed with data and trends and goes out for free to office dwellers. Can’t see the point of it myself but Ray’s looking particularly pleased.

Too much liver is never a good thing!

Turns out that this barometer was particularly important because it was the first detailed jobs report by anyone in the UK post-BREXIT! By the way, if I wasn’t a cat, I’d have come up with a better euphemism than BREXIT!

They were all so busy no-one even thought to change my litter tray (which believe me, was crying out for it – too much liver is never a good thing!) and I only had a few crunchy biscuits for supper. It’s not on.

Where’s my takeaway?

To top it all, they sent out for food at 2am to keep them going, but no-one asked what I wanted. Apparently, they don’t do cat takeaways (now there’s a great opportunity for a new business), so Ray gave me a bit of his chicken vindaloo. Now I really do need my litter tray changing!

The computers were squeaking all night like a load of mice (stomach rumbling again!), churning out graphs and figures for the Jobs Barometer, but nothing remotely of interest to me.

I eventually got to sleep amid all the noise and swearing (Ray, that’s another £5 for the box), when the phone rings at 9am on Monday morning and wakes me up again. Apparently it’s the Bank of England chasing the jobs data for some boring-sounding meeting about interest rates. I knew it was someone important because Ray put on his smarmy voice and polished his shoes on the back of his trousers.

There’s no substitute for purring

After the call, Ray started his tuneless whistle which apparently signifies deep pleasure, but I soon put a stop to that with a well-placed scratch on the back of his legs. I got the usual threat about taking me to the vets for a readjustment to my cat-hood, so I had to lie low for a bit.

Ray’s been crowing all morning because he’s had some great feedback from something called Google, about a piece of business research that Alert’s done for them. He says they’ve become the biggest company in the world since starting to work with Alert across Europe. What a carry on. You’d think it was something important.

To top it all, I eventually got my breakfast and it looks like Ray’s being tight-fisted again and I’ve ended up with half a tin of Tesco’s budget range cat food.

Don’t touch my bed!

I was just about to doze off again when the staff burst into my office to have a meeting about something called a ‘brand refresh’ and a new ‘ecommerce website’, whatever that is. Anyway, they got quite excited about it, especially as Alert has something called USPs that apparently other business insight companies don’t have. One of them even pushed my basket to one side with her foot as if I was in the way. Got my own back though – she’s had to rush out and get another pair of tights!

Anyway, all this talking about a brand refresh is reminding me that I’m in desperate need of some refreshment myself. Looks like I’m going to have to turn on my feline charm and schmooze up to Ray again.

I told you it’s no picnic being an Alert office cat.